It was the other day, one of those warm afternoons we've had that are almost, but not quite, like summer, and I was up in Madison, where I
stopped in this little Mom-and-Pop store for a soda and directions. So I was standing at the counter and I picked up this publication, which the clerk, a woman, glanced at and said,
"The best reading there is." Now I'd like to be able to say that the publication in hand was the one you're now perusing. The one that
carries the writings of this one particular guy who, in addition to being immensely talented, has been said by many to bear a striking
resemblance to Mel Gibson.
Well, maybe not by many. I mean, not in so many words. And no, not with the glasses on. Well, try squinting at the picture. Around the eyes?
Come on. You're sure you can't see it?
But anyway, to get on with the story, "the best reading there is" award did not go to yours truly or even to this newspaper. It went to
another central Maine publication, which, I have to admit, may be the way of the future. Uncle Henry's.
Yes, copping the Mom-and-Pop Pulitzer Prize for Literature was "Uncle Henry's Weekly Swap or Sell It Guide." The Bible of people who like
old stuff. The handbook for people who have something but would rather have something else.
A Porsche or a ping-pong table. A lobster boat or used lumber. A Harley or a hamster, "white, born at home Dec. 20." A washer-dryer or a
wedding dress, "will sell for $75 just to get rid of it." And last but not least, this one, which appeared in last week's issue:
"Glass block from the Kennebec County Jail, approx. 500 will sell all or in lots of 125. Asking $1 per block, buy a pc. of history. Call
Scott or Doug ... AUGUSTA" Bring 'em home and reminisce about that last OUI.
Now, Uncle Henry's disciples don't have to be told that there's something fascinating about this stuff, this inventory of every object on
earth. They pore over these books like devout Muslims over the Koran. And I figure loyal readers like that can't be all wrong.
If it works for them ...
'92 governor, low mileage, leaves state rarely, to fish in Canada. Runner-up in Dan Quayle Look-a-like contest. Comes with all the right GOP
connections. Available 1994. Call Jock. AUGUSTA.
State House Press Corps, having very slow summer, available for part-time work. Specialty: monitoring chief executives' vacation plans.
AUGUSTA.
Department stores for sale, several, Skowhegan-Waterville area. Complete, you move. Must sell, Wal-Mart coming. Good space for ... for ...
You figure it out. WATERVILLE.
New cause wanted. Marijuana advocates, Franklin, Somerset county, write more letters to editor than Major Spaulding. Waste of valuable time
for people who could be doing better things with their lives, like volunteering at nursing homes. STARKS.
Plane tickets to repressive countries, one-way. Perfect for over-zealous drug cops who have forgotten what real crime is all about. Give pot
people chance to get on with their lives. FARMINGTON.
Campaign advice wanted, any and all. Incumbent president in failure mode needs big-time boost. PAC money means quick cash. Call now. Ask for
George. Please. KENNEBUNKPORT.
Vice president. Looks sharp but sounds goofy, even compared to President. Great golfer, slices to far right. Free to good home. Moving in
January. WASHINGTON.
Independent presidential candidate, short but has lots of money. Needs volunteers to man and woman phone lines. Could be answer to all your
prayers. Not. DALLAS.
Cattle prod wanted, high voltage. Needed for bringing Bill Clinton out of shock, should he actually become president. After all these years,
the dream comes true? I mean, Bill, president of the UNITED STATES. Little Billy with the bad Daddy. What if he just sits there for the four
years, mesmerized, like some schlep who won the Megabucks? Remember, this isa guy who didn't inhale. Call evenings. Ask for Hillary. LITTLE
ROCK.
Suitcases wanted, any condition. Wannabee Congressman plans trip to Washington. Has promised to cut deficit or come home quick. May not need
to unpack. PITTSFIELD.
Wanted: Vacant piece of sidewalk, miles from anything. Needed to give abortion protesters place to yell at each other, while rest of us go
to hospital to visit sick people. If no sidewalk available, how 'bout earplugs? WATERVILLE.
Cattle prod, high voltage. Like new. Used once to try to get Mayor David Bernier to change facial expression. Didn't work. Might work on
Bill. WATERVILLE.
Morning Sentinal ~ August 14, 1992 |
